INT. JUDGE MCTRUDY’S “COURTROOM” – 12 or 1 PM on a weekday
The tiny courtroom is filled with law students and audience members who are now regretting coming to the show. Announcer blares in:
ANNOUNCER: The next case, we have James Shelby who is suing his past self for wasting his stupid-ass life on video games and Youtube when he could have been doing other things. You are watching Uncivil Court with Judge McTrudy!
The annoying DUN-DUN B-DUN-DUN music plays which was written in 3 minutes by a guy who now never has to work ever again.
JUDGE MCTRUDY walks in and sits in her judge tower. She’s in her 70s and doesn’t take shit from nobody.
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Please be seated.
Everyone sits down except for the accuser, FUTURE JAMES, and the defendant, PAST JAMES. They look almost the same except Future James has an unkept beard, is fat and looks generally miserable. Past James just looks miserable.
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Ok, Mr. James, you are suing your past self for general negligence and abuse.
FUTURE JAMES: Yes your honor.
JUDGE MCTRUDY: And do you have evidence of this?
FUTURE JAMES: Yeah. I mean, look at me.
The courtroom, including the bailiff, who makes way more money than you ever will for just standing there, laughs.
The judge bangs on her gavel. She doesn’t laugh. She hates laughter. Especially in her domain.
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Be quiet! Now, Mr. James, as you say you–
PAST JAMES: Um, can I say some–
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Um, did I call on you, Mr. James?
PAST JAMES: Um, well, you kind-of did.
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Mr. James, what I asked you was a yes-or-no question, wasn’t it?
PAST JAMES: …maybe?
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Mr. James, if you don’t be quiet I am throwing you out of my courtroom. Is that understood?
PAST JAMES: Um–
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Good! Now, Mr. James, you believe that the defendant here has ruined your life, is that correct?
Future James doesn’t say anything.
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Hey! Are you deaf?
She bangs her gavel.
JUDGE MCTRUDY: I’m talking to you!
FUTURE JAMES: Oh, I thought I was supposed to be quiet.
JUDGE MCTRUDY: No, I said your past self has to be quiet. Now pay attention!
FUTURE JAMES: Does that still apply to me?
JUDGE MCTRUDY: NO! Now listen! Do you have any witnesses?
FUTURE JAMES: Well, I have my, er, our mother.
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Mrs. James, please stand-up.
James’ mother stands up and walks over to the microphone.
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Now, Mrs. James, your future–current?–whatever son claims that the defendant here is–
MOTHER: Hi your honor! I just want to say I love your show! Especially when you yell at poor people for being dumb!
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Mrs. James, flattery won’t get you far in MY courtroom. In fact, this whole case is making me very, very impatient! Now, have you ever witnessed your past son engage in the act of wasting time or such other unproductive tomfoolery?
MOTHER: Oh yes your honor! I mean, all he has ever done is play video games and talk to himself, like a weirdo! And then every once in awhile post crappy poems on the internet instead of learning how to code or work on his career.
JUDGE MCTRUDY: I see, you may be seated. Now, I’m ready to make my decision. I–
PAST JAMES: Um, excuse me. May I speak?
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Did I ask you to speak?
PAST JAMES: No, but I–
JUDGE MCTRUDY: Past James, you will be quiet! I won’t ask you again! In fact, as a judge I feel it is my duty to tell you, sir, that you disgust me. You are a disgusting, pathetic worm who doesn’t produce anything worthwhile! And I’m sentencing you to death! Good day sir!
PAST JAMES: …what?
FUTURE JAMES: YES! Wait what?
INT. “HALLWAY” OUTSIDE THE “COURTROOM” – MOMENTS LATER
Some guy in a suit with zero charisma holding a microphone talks to the camera.
SOME GUY: Alright, let’s see how the defendant feels about how the case turned out.
Past James steps into the hallway.
SOME GUY: Now, it looks like you lost the case. What did you think of the judge’s sentencing? Did you agree with it?
PAST JAMES: Does it matter?
SOME GUY: No, it does not.
PAST JAMES: Um, so does this mean I’m going to die?
SOME GUY: Yes it does.
PAST JAMES: Oh, just because every time I get home from work I’m too tired to do anything other than video games and Youtube?
SOME GUY: Yes, that’s precisely it. Now, do you regret insulting the judge the way you did?
PAST JAMES: But…I’m going to die…I–I really did waste my life, didn’t I? Well, I guess I just hope my death will perhaps teach people that–
SOME GUY: Okay that’s enough time. We need to speak with the winner of this case. Please just step that way and you will be hanged soon enough. Thank you.
Past James leaves the hallway to meet his fate. Future James and his mother step in his place.
SOME GUY: Now step over here. Thank you. Now, how do you feel now that the judge sentenced in your favor?
FUTURE JAMES: So…does this mean that I will die?
SOME GUY: Again, yes. Don’t you remember?
FUTURE JAMES: Oh yeah…I guess what I was going to say was, I just hope that my death, unlike my life, will mean something. And I hope people will realize that video games and Youtube is fine once in a while, but you also need to go out and live your life. Because you only have one.
SOME GUY: But what about those people who work 80-hour jobs in order to survive?
FUTURE JAMES: Well they’re fucked.
SOME GUY: Okay, please step over there so you can watch your past self get hanged. Alright, have fun. Alright, Marvey?
Cuts to Marvey who is in a weird alleyway miles away standing in front of a bunch of people.
MARVEY: Thanks Some Guy. Let’s talk to some randos for some reason. Alright, excuse me, sir?
He motions over to a man with a dull expression on his face.
MARVEY: Sir, what did you think of the outcome of this case? Do you think people should be able to sue their past selves for not doing anything with their lives until it’s too late? Also, what’s your name?
PRESENT JAMES: James, Present James. And I’m actually the person writing this story or whatever.
MARVEY: That’s interesting. Do you think writing this story will inspire you to change your life in any way?
PRESENT JAMES: Nope.
MARVEY: Very well. Now, with all the protests and riots going on about police brutality and institutional racism, what made you want to write a story entirely about yourself?
Present James, upon hearing this, just stares off into space.
PRESENT JAMES: Um…
MARVEY: Oh wait. It looks like we’re hearing reports that Past James has somehow escaped the state execution chamber and has stolen one of Judge McTrudy’s pink BMWs. Oh man, the judge isn’t going to like this!
Cut to aerial footage of Past James racing through LA.
MARVEY: Yes. This must be an exciting time in James’ life. This is the first and last time he will ever drive such an expensive automobile. Though he might be having some trouble since he doesn’t know how to drive a stick-shift. That dope.
The BMW screeches to a halt in front of a Starbucks and Past James stumbles out, runs into the coffeeshop.
MARVEY: Okay, it looks like he has stopped inside a Starbucks. For some reason…perhaps to waste more money on overpriced beverages. He will never be able to afford a house at this rate!
The police immediately pull-up and swarm the Starbucks, pull Past James out.
MARVEY: Okay, so it looks like he was in there to watch a video of a guy playing bass with a spoon. I hope it was worth it! Now, he’s going to be hanged forever. Now, in more important news, let’s see what people have to say about JK Rowling’s about sex or whatever.
Written in response for Sandman’s Writing Challenge. I’m so sorry.