Meet Ed

I’m not good at making characters. They tend to be sad, shapeless dawdles. However, I was inspired by Fandango’s “Dog Days of August” prompt for today. He asked us to “create a character” so not only did I do that, but I made a good character, the bestest character the world has ever seen.

His name is Ed. Let’s take a look at Ed, shall we?

Ed is a simple man in his early 40’s living with his uncle. He’s a part-time private detective. When he’s not working retail he is solving various cases such as “where did my cat go?” and “is my 20-something wife cheating on me with someone her own age?” He’s not a very good private detective, but…well, that’s about it.

He also likes chess, but instead of getting better at playing classical chess he prefers anti-chess, which is faster and requires less thought and discipline. He also doesn’t like failure so shirks away any opportunity for struggle or self-improvement.

Ed also enjoys Star Wars, even the crappy prequels. One of his fondest memories was watching the original series on VHS in his dad’s apartment while his parents were getting divorced.

Will he ever locate Ms. Samantha’s cat? Will he ever be able to have his car repaired? Will his uncle stop putting his dirty socks on the radiator? These are questions begging to be answered. Hey, Warner Bros., if you are interested in using this character feel free to hit me up, m’kay? You can go on my Twitter and press “follow” and shoot me a DM. I’m on Twitter every Thursday. Unlike Ed, who doesn’t like social media. If you can get Rob Schneider to play Ed that would be great, but I am open to most big-name actors who might be interested. Thanks.

However, if Warner Bros. or Sony decides that Ed is too good for them (which is understandable) maybe I can incorporate him into my own works.

Classic Ed-isms:

“Um…okay?”

“Okay.”

“Is there something wrong with your feet?”

“I’m not a big fan of sand. It’s rough and…sandy…there’s a lot of it. I think there should be less of it.”

“Do cats have complex inner-lives?”

“I think a lot of success is determined by luck. So, what’s the point of living if we don’t actually live? If there’s no actual free will?”

“Bicyclists are weird.”